“Courage over fear.” ~Elizabeth Gilbert
It’s difficult for me to put into words how extraordinary and important this week was for me. No, I didn’t travel to an amazing new destination. No, I didn’t meet the love of my life. No, I didn’t finish a big project at work. In fact, it was a seemingly ordinary week, except for the little things — which, if I learned anything at all this week, make all of the difference.
The pinnacle of the week and, really, of nearly two years of work, came during my therapy appointment on Thursday. I’ve been working very hard with my therapist and dedicating a lot of effort (most sessions) to exploring some very deep and difficult areas in my life. I don’t necessarily like the term breakthrough, but there’s really nothing else I can think of that would describe it. Discovery? Progress? Growth? What I do know is something happened. Something shifted. Something changed. Something was put into motion.
I’ll let the email I sent to my therapist explain the rest:
I just wanted to let you know how grateful I am for you and the work we’ve done together. I’ve been waiting for years for something to happen that would make a big impact and I think last night that thing happened. I just feel differently — granted, I’m still processing quite a bit. But, I just feel that something changed and I am really excited about it
Today, I’m feeling kind of weird and kind of like I’m on the verge of crying (for lack of better way to explain it) but hopeful. I think I need to spend some time processing and working through some things but again, I’m so grateful that something has changed. I can feel it.
One other thing, when I got to my car after our session, here’s what I wrote down:
I’m done taking on other people’s shit. I’m done with the guilt and shame. It’s not my fault. I don’t deserve this. I deserve to live.
This was further solidified by listening to Elizabeth Gilbert, who said something I’ve been repeating over and over again in my head since last night: not this.
Again, thank you.
I’m not sure what’s next and, honestly, I’m still processing in a pretty major way. But, what I do know is I’m ready for a change and for growth and to continue on this path because I can’t un-know and un-experience what happened and to not take action would be an incredible disservice to myself. As Brené Brown would say, I’m “in the reckoning” and well on my way to the rumble and would even say after this week that the revolution is in sight. I know it’s not going to be easy and will take time, but I’m so fucking ready.
week in review
this week’s intention: accountability
last week’s gratitude: down time + relaxation
what I’m reading: The Marshmallow Test + Trustology
finished book club book
prepared + hosted book club
completed mentoring application + scheduled interview
reflected on April goals + set May goals
started + got through six days of no-spend month
attended friend’s bridal shower
reviewed April budget + spending
had my version of a bed day (stayed at my house all day)
sent mother’s day present
snowy Saturday drinks with friends
phone time + catching up with my mom
dinner at one of my favorite restaurants followed by Elizabeth Gilbert
spent lots of time reading
catching up + wine with one of my favorite people
an entire morning spent writing + progress on work project
held mini writing retreat for team (work)
prepared for new team member (work)
finished + began using personal KPIs
drinks + fun story sharing with coworkers
productive workweek + good work/life balance
created + completed work MITs
wrote + posted week in review
wrote + posted living my best life
created + completed personal MITs
weekend happenings + goals
pay bills + update budget
pack + travel to Austin
relax + explore + have fun in Austin
continue no-spend month