fuck the white flag and the horse it rode in on 

last week I reached the one-month mark with my new job. at that point, honestly, I wasn’t sure I had made the right choice. there were a lot of ups and downs — the transition was rough. don’t get me wrong, the new company and my colleagues are great, but the commute pretty much blows and I was second-guessing my ability to work in a non-communications role.

could I have a fulfilling job/career that didn’t involve writing, editing and comms work of some sort? was I willing to give up an extra two hours of my day for a commute that led to that job where I potentially wouldn’t be satisfied and, honestly, excel? would I feel comfortable in a role that isn’t my primary area of expertise? could I contribute in a meaningful way at the level I needed at such a large company? etc? etc? etc?

then this week happened. and, in every practical sense, it should have been my nail-in-the-coffin moment. we’re dealing with a pretty big issue and it’s causing all sorts of problems for users and will likely have lasting impacts on their perception of the systems I’m trying to promote. but, instead of crawling into a hole with my white flag waving, I saw the situation for what it was — an opportunity.

I’ve always known I thrive a bit in chaos. despite my preference for everything to be planned out and happen 100 percent according to that plan. but, because of chaos (thanks, SharePoint), I was able to have a seat at the big kids’ table and contribute in a meaningful way this week. and, once I was no longer intimidated to speak up in that environment, a domino effect took place and now I basically can’t keep my mouth closed (but, like, in a good way).

I guess this crisis was the thing I needed to step up and prove myself — both to my colleagues and myself. I’m not so naive as to think bad days won’t happen — they will. but, for the first time in months, I’m also able to see that they will be accompanied by good ones. because they will. and, for the first time in months, I feel worthy and not like someone with a ridiculous case of imposters syndrome. and, most importantly, I am confident I made the right choice. I can do this.